I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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