i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
