oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
