Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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