there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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