The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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