I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
