Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
