I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
