i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
