man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Vodka?
Forever.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
