it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
