I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
