Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
