My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
