Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
