Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
