he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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