She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
