I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
