..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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