before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You were trust falling into bushes
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
