Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
