I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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