I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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