Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
