Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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