at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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