how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am spending my child support on dildos
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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