i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my being single is dangerous.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
