I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
