Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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