Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
