Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
