PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
