nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
