apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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