just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
