i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
