i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
ugly people sure do ruin things
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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