I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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