he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
