Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I wish there were birth control emojis
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
