Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
