I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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