I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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