People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
