I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
