the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
