My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you traded sex for a burrito?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
