If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Randomize