I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
