Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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