You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize