can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
