Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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