Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You made out with two different species that night
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
