I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
