Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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