My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
