I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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