A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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