In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
