just come out here and I will go home with you...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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