just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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