I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
