the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
