Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
